It felt as if one’s entire world
was one, long Sunday afternoon.
Nothing to do. Nowhere to go.
Stunning Sculpture at Burning Man
Exhibited during the Burning Man festival, Truth is Beauty is an amazing sculpture 16 meters (52.4 feet) high by Marco Cochrane from his Bliss project. The female sculpture was constructed by welded steel rods and over 3000 multicolored LED lights that change color during the night. The sculpture captures the female form with near flawless proportions. Beautiful from every angle.
Thinking is consuming my thoughts. I wake up and think. I go to bed and think. Everything I do in between only just manages to squeeze it’s way out of my brain past the ever present wall made out of a mix of anxiety, stress, worry, fear and frustration. Add in a massive amount of longing for anything different and reminiscing and you’ve got a good idea of what my everyday life is contending with at the moment. As soon as I acknowledge the presence of the wall my stomach drops and my chest tightens. It feels like the weight of a world, my world, is sitting on my head, pressing down and only momentarily lightening its weight when I forget and engage in something else for a bit. I feel heavy and burdened. And confused and scared. And bleak. And lazy. And the worst thing I feel is a strong, nagging feeling that time is running out. Or that I’m wasting it. I’m 21 and shouldn’t be feeling like that because it’s not true and I know it’s not true but I just keep being reminded of when I was younger and a teenager, and how much freedom and lack of responsibility or things to worry about that I had. I also had more friends and was bolder and could brush off any thought of the future easily by thinking ‘I’ll worry about it when I have to’, or ‘It’ll all work out, I’ll fall into place’. The bit that shocks me is when I realise that that time is over and I’m quickly running out of excuses. Where did the time go? And why didn’t I learn the motivation, self-belief and focus that I need now?
Everything I look at, listen to, read- anything at all that comes into my brain- I think about. I think about how it got here. How it was made. Who made it. How they got their job. Who created their job. Where the need for their job arose from. How much hard work and struggle it took them to get there. How happy they are in their life. I can’t stop this. I can’t switch off from this and enjoy much for very long without thinking about it like this.
And everyone is telling me to make lists and send emails and contact contacts and do research and don’t give up and you need a job and you need money and you need to be in london and you can’t just go to another country and try anything and be open and all you see are these fucking mantras telling you to chase your dreams and live every day like it’s your last and hard work pays off and motivation is the key and you can do anything you want if you put your mind to it and I’m like
I don’t know what to tell you or myself all I know is that my brain needs a break so it can re-engage with the rest of me and BREATHE and why don’t I understand my world and what do you do when you don’t know what you want to do or where you want to be or what your fucking goals are or how much money you want to earn or who you are and WHY aren’t you helping yourself why are you letting yourself curl up and letting the days pass you by and you need to be braver and I thought you were